Melicious Details

Invisihell - Day 44

I had my first check up with Dr. Tees this week and bitched him out about what a GIANT pain in the ass these trays are.  His eyes got really big.  Generally his patients are probably much less loud and dramatic.

My Dentist:  May-Lee-Sa, you are so fortunate to only have to Wearing Invisalign for 20 weeks! My wife had to wear for a year.

Me:  A YEAR??  You made your wife do Invisalign for a year???

My Dentist:  See?  You so lucky, you only need to wear for 20 weeks!

Me:  Right. Because there is no way I would do this for A YEAR.  I hope she got some reward for doing it for a year.  You bought her a big piece of jewelry for that, right?

It is clear from the very sheepish look on his face that his wife did not get anything for her suffering except for maybe a new toothbrush.

Me:  You really need to get her a big piece of jewelry, OK?

Going Commando in New Orelans

Attending a conference while Wearing Invisalign is a huge pain in the ass. I won't begin to complain about describe all of the steps involved in meeting/eating/brushing/eating/brushing/meeting.  But then it was finally the "special work event" moment that happens every day at 5:00 pm when it's Time for Wine!  So out came the Invisaligners and I was looking forward to maybe two hours of nontorture. Time for Wine ended up lasting until 7:00  and then it was Time for Dinner. We ate (and drank) at this excellent restaurant.  And then since it wasn't too late, everyone decided it was important to continue the New Orleans tradition of more drinking and we wandered over to the bar here. Three Peartinis (made with grey goose la poire flavored pear vodka yummmm) later, sitting in the bar dimness and smokiness, twitching to the pounding beat of retro music I have a revelation:  it feels just like I am not wearing any underwear.  I smile really really big and announce to my friends "hey - it feels just like I am not wearing any underwear!!"  That is what six hours of not Wearing Invisalign does to me. 

Invisahell: Day 18

So far I have been an outstanding Wearing Invisalign patient and I do not complain at all!  I do provide a lot of description when answering a question, like "well, I'd love to get some coffee with you, but first I have to take out both of my Invisalign trays and then after I drink my coffee I will have to find a public restroom that passes my criteria for a facility where I will brush my teeth, and then I'll have to put both the trays back in, but sure, let's get some coffee". Which really does not qualify as complaining.  At all.

On the official Invisalign website it says: You're free to take them out whenever you need to. Eating, drinking...you name it. Even if you just need a break from wearing your aligners during a high school reunion or special work event, that's OK. This is exactly the kind of bullshit marketing spin I would create if I worked at Invisalign.  Sadly I don't have a high school reunion for 2 more years. But at 5:00 pm every day, I now declare a "special work event" called Time for Wine.  Time for Wine means I can 1. immediately cease Wearing Invisalign and 2. drink a bottle glass of wine. This is the best part of the whole Wearing Invisalign experience! Only 122 days to go.

Big Plastic Tees

If you ask me what I am doing, for the next 20 weeks the answer will be Wearing Invisalign. Like right now. I am Wearing Invisalign.  I have 19 weeks and 5 days of Wearing Invisalign to go and I feel like complaining about it two or three times a minute.

The reason I am Wearing Invisalign is because after wearing braces for 7 years but having them off for over 35, my teeth are misbehaving in a big way and attempting to retreat to their former positions. What long memories they have. And I am also doing it for my vanity because my crooked teeth and reappearing overbite are not really attractive.

My dentist, who recommended this torture, is adorable in a cheek-pinching kind of way and also has quite an accent. I wonder if it is hard to have a chosen a profession where one of the words you must use 4000 times a day is one you have difficulty pronouncing.  But he seems unconcerned and talks to me all about my tees.  How we are going to move my tees back in to place.  But first we must take x-rays of my tees.  During the x-ray he tells me to please hold my breast. 

So now my tees - both the top and the bottom! - are covered in plastic, like your grandmother's couch.  This is not sooooo bad on your bottom tees, but on your top tees, it  makes them feel exceptionally big and protruding and obnoxious. For someone who spent her early childhood with an astounding overbite, this does not bring back happy memories. It's been YEARS since I've been called Bucky the Beaver, but I just know it's going to happen again any minute.