My four or five regular readers have asked why I don't write blog posts more often. One reason is my close affinity with the deadly sin of Sloth. But there are also many, many other reasons which I have narrowed down to three.
1. The Voices. All writers struggle with The Voices in their head telling them that whatever they are writing is not good enough. As in, "Melissa, this writing is not good." I hate in when they call me by name. I'll let you know if The Voices start telling me to wear a tin foil hat because aliens are trying to contact me about the upcoming elections. That will be a way more interesting thing to complain about.
2. Little People and Other Stuff. I did not start out to write a blog that was funny, it just turned out that most of what I like to write about is funny to me and therefore MIGHT be funny to you. But sometimes what I find SO HILARIOUS is not at all politically correct. As in Not. At. All. So I try hard to maintain a high standard of kindness and sensitivity here at Melicious Details. Because really there is absolutely nothing funny about that time I was in an elevator with a midget dwarf.
3. Disguises. People in my life do and say all kinds of things which cause me to think "THAT would be a funny funny funny blog post to write. But wait. Someone's feelings might get hurt." Which means in order to write the completely hysterical story that I am dying to tell you, I have to first make up an elaborate disguise so neither you nor they can figure out their true identity. And by that point, I am overtaken by The Sloth again.
So when you haven't seen a post from me in a while, now you know why.
Close to where I live is steep (as in STEEP), narrow (as in barely room for your car in the lane you are driving in) and winding (as in I'll get carsick if I'm in the backseat) road that attracts crazy masochists bicyclists who are unencumbered with concern for their personal safety. So the city helpfully installed this warning sign for them. It must mean Try This!, right?
After driving past the sign for a few days, it occurred to me that maybe it was installed incorrectly. Perhaps hanging the sign this way, indicating Look Up at the Sky And Offer Your Bike to the Cycling Gods if You Make it Down the Hill Alive is what they meant instead? I guess no one was really sure, because now that sign has been replaced with this.
Clyde had to have outpatient surgery that required about an hour of general anesthesia. To best decribe his post-anesthesia amnesia, I wish I could have created the following video.
I enter the recovery room to see Clyde sitting up in bed.
Me: How are you feeling? Clyde: Fine. He looks down at this feet, which have on bright turquoise socks. Clyde: Why do I have these socks on?? Me: They probably didn't want your feet to get cold. Clyde: My feet are never cold.
I drive up to get Clyde outside the surgery center. He gets in the car, holding the turquoise socks but acting like he has never seen them before.
Clyde: Look! They gave me these socks! Me: NICE.
We arrive home. Clyde is still clutching the socks.
Clyde: I'm going to go put on some shorts. Me: OK. Clyde: Did you see these socks they gave me? Me: Yes. You showed me already.
Clyde comes into the family room wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and - inexplicably - the turquoise socks.
Clyde: I'm going to go work in the yard. Me: The doctor said to take it easy today. Why don't you relax and watch TV for awhile? Two minutes later he is sound asleep on the couch.
I am working in my home office. Clyde comes in and sits down.
Me: How was your nap? Clyde: Good. He looks down at his feet. Why do I have these socks on??
In case you don't know it, I really love y'all. Every one of my blog posts is big giant Valentine Sealed With A Kiss from me to you. And my little heart truly appreciates every minute you spend reading my stories.
Some of you get to my blog via facebook. Some of you view it via an RSS feed. And some of you get this delivered directly into your email box, which would seem super convenient, right?
Except the technology used to send my blog post directly to your email box does a really good job of NOT SHOWING YOU THE VIDEOS EMBEDDED IN THE POST.
This makes me crazy. Because I know just enough about technology to know that it should work, and I feel badly that what you get in your email box is not the blog I intended.
So, if you would like to view the video in my latest post titled Chicken Style - which is not possible to view in the email sent to you by the people I hate at Feedburner - click here
Hi. My name is Melissa and I have a slight lisp. It’s a good thing I’m making this confession online because saying “slight lisp” out loud is hard. But not NEARLY as hard as saying “synthesize”. Saying “synthesizing a thesaurus” is impossible.
When I found this helpful pronunciation guide, I realized, whoa. There’s someone out there who sounds just like me.
Are you familiar with a company called Heath Zenith? I can’t say that either.
Have I mentioned that I hate to exercise? I have? OK here is an example of me actually exercising: Clyde makes me do a three mile walk (which includes forty six steep hills) seven days a week. And when I say seven days a week, I mean three.
There are circumstances that prevent me from walking seven days a week, which I think are worth sharing since some of you may find yourself in a similar situation, especially if you are ever married to Clyde, who is dead serious about walking seven days a week. When these circumstances occur, Clyde and the dogs go on the walk, and I stand at the back door and say “have fun!”
Time- there are days when the amount of time available between when I get up and when I have to be somewhere is not long enough to include a walk. It’s hard to quantify what this “long enough” amount of time actually is. It just depends.
Weather Snow - I live in the Bay Area. It snows approximately every 30 years. See photo. Wind - I don’t leave the house when it’s windy. Fog - Everyone knows it’s dangerous to walk anywhere when visibility is limited. Rain - See Wind. Temperature - It can’t be below 50 degrees or above 75 degrees. Also, there can be no rain and/or wind accompanying The Temperature. Other - Dew point can’t be too high/low.
Gear and Equipment - I only have one pair of socks that work with my walking shoes. Sometimes they are in the laundry.
Sports Injuries - It’s important to take precautions and not walk when injured: Sometimes my right foot is a little tiny bit sore. Once in a while my left knee might be bothering me. I have a headache.
Other than these circumstances, going on a walk is great.
It snowed at our house on Feb 26, 2011. This is me (and Tango) not walking that day. He looks worried because he has no concept of what a snow angel is.